Mindset is a vital, typically missed element of well being — particularly as we study to view health beyond outward appearance. Ditching detrimental ideas is an efficient first step, however changing them with a “good vibes solely” mentality could be equally detrimental, a frame of mind referred to more and more as poisonous positivity.
A wholesale rejection of negativity in all its varieties, poisonous positivity can inadvertently invalidate emotions and experiences — and make individuals really feel like they’re failing or doing one thing fallacious, explains Dr. Nicole Lacherza-Drew, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist and proprietor of Vici Psychological Care.
“There aren’t all the time going to be positives, and that’s OK,” she says.
Learn on for real-life examples of poisonous optimism, warning indicators to search for — and tips about the best way to keep away from giving or receiving it.
What Is Poisonous Positivity?
Poisonous positivity refers to the concept we have to see the brilliant aspect of each state of affairs regardless of how dangerous, difficult, or missing in vibrant sides it is likely to be. (A basic instance is the “this is fine” meme.)
The harmful results of negativity are properly documented. Not solely is it a downer by definition, it can hamper cognitive function and cloud our judgment, impairing our skill to carry out situationally.
However forcing positivity can make a situation worse, particularly one now we have the ability to alter.
“Poisonous positivity is principally the concept it doesn’t matter what occurs or what the end result is, one ought to have a constructive mindset or attempt to discover the constructive within the state of affairs or consequence,” Lacherza-Drew says.
Whereas this appears preferable to beating your self up over errors and setbacks, “poisonous positivity could be thought of a type of gaslighting,” she provides.
7 Relatable, Actual-Life Poisonous Positivity Examples
What number of of those conditions sound acquainted?
- You’re speaking together with your pal about your horrible boss and profess that you simply’re determined for a brand new job. She responds with one thing like “it is best to simply be glad for what you could have.”
- You open up to your mother-in-law that you simply’re struggling to get pregnant. Her response? “Every thing occurs for a motive.”
- You inform your co-worker that your associate obtained scary well being information. They are saying, “it may very well be worse.”
- You’re taking a course and may’t perceive a key idea. If you discuss to your teacher, he says, “Simply keep constructive. You’ll get it!”
- You lose your loved one pet when you’re away on a enterprise journey — then your flight house is canceled. The airline agent says, “God solely offers us what we are able to deal with.”
- You’re midway via your first 60-minute class at a neighborhood biking studio. You’re not feeling sturdy sufficient so as to add extra resistance, so that you say one thing snarky and humorous to your teacher. She says, “Optimistic vibes solely right here! No complaining!”
- Your youngsters are out sick once more, and also you’re working from residence whereas attempting to not catch their germs. The home is a multitude and also you’re exhausted. You inform your sister that you simply’re feeling overwhelmed. Her recommendation? “However on the brilliant aspect, you get to work in sweatpants!”
What’s Fallacious with Poisonous Positivity?
What’s fallacious with these situations — and why shouldn’t you attempt to give individuals a bit of increase once they’re feeling down? Whereas they appear useful, “they aren’t efficient at serving to a person work via their feelings and are available out of it in a greater place,” explains Kalley Hartman, LMFT, a licensed marriage and household therapist in Newport Seaside, California.
As a substitute of helping you stay motivated, domesticate a more healthy self-image, and develop as an individual, poisonous positivity retains you beholden to impossible standards of feat and success. Right here’s how senseless positivity harms your well being:
Prevents you from coping with your emotions
Not solely does poisonous positivity forestall you from coping with feelings, it additionally “creates a false sense of happiness that depends on denying or ignoring sure features of actuality,” Hartman says. That may result in additional points down the road.
Retains you from rising as an individual
And, she provides, “after we are consistently pushing away our uncomfortable emotions, it makes it more durable for us to study from our experiences and develop.” This makes it really feel such as you’re in Groundhog Day, making the identical errors time and again.
“This perspective could make individuals really feel like they’re not allowed to specific their detrimental emotions, which might result in emotions of disgrace and guilt,” provides Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho, LSW, LCADC, CCS, CCTP.
Can extend your struggling
You would possibly discover your sense of actuality shift, as you begin to really feel just like the dangerous issues are all of your fault.
“This may be particularly damaging when it prevents individuals from looking for assist, as they might really feel like their issues are too insignificant or not value addressing,” Kotkin-De Carvalho says.
Could make you’re feeling like a failure
Should you’re surrounded by individuals who’ve purchased into “Lucky Girl Syndrome,” you would possibly (wrongly) really feel such as you’re falling quick, Lacherza-Drew says. “They might consider they’re doing one thing fallacious or one thing is fallacious with them.”
Poisonous Positivity Vs. Optimism: What’s the Distinction?
In accordance with Hartman, poisonous positivity “entails denying or ignoring tough feelings, whereas optimism entails sustaining a constructive outlook within the face of adversity.”
Additional, “poisonous positivity typically has the impact of invalidating one other individual’s emotions or experiences, whereas optimism is used to encourage and encourage individuals,” she says.
The sensible variations between optimism and poisonous positivity can seem nuanced at first, however they turn out to be clearer with follow.
Say you’re having a troublesome time. You misplaced your job or hit a tough patch together with your associate. You go to a trusted pal for recommendation.
Optimism appears to be like like: “I’m so sorry you’re coping with this, pal. I do know it’s exhausting proper now. You could be trustworthy about the way you’re feeling, after which possibly we are able to make an inventory of some good issues occurring or consider some methods I may help.”
Poisonous positivity exhibits up as: “I’m so sorry you’re coping with this, pal. However you might be sturdy and resilient, and you’ve got survived one hundred pc of your dangerous days till now. You simply need to hold your chin up and manifest the end result you need. Don’t even take into consideration the ‘what-ifs’! You’ve acquired this!”
Whereas well-intentioned, the toxically constructive response can do as a lot — if no more — hurt because it does good, answering hardship with hokum and minimizing the seriousness of the state of affairs to the one experiencing it.
Focusing as an alternative on Health Esteem means appreciating ourselves as we’re proper now, whereas acknowledging that now we have objectives and a need to alter. It’s a wholesome steadiness of optimism and motivation.
10 Warning Indicators of Poisonous Positivity
Listed below are warning indicators to search for (from others or your self):
- You’re feeling shamed for sharing how you’re feeling.
- They received’t allow you to complain or be trustworthy about your emotions.
- You disguise your true emotions — particularly on social media.
- They inform you to be constructive, manifest, or consider in your self extra.
- You solely share feel-good quotes and mantras.
- They attempt to discover the silver lining as an alternative of acknowledging your state of affairs.
- You’re advised to be grateful and cease complaining.
- They inform you to not kill the vibe with negativity.
- You ask for assist they usually share a Pinterest quote.
- They inform you to recover from it or snort issues off when difficulties come up.
Easy methods to Keep away from Poisonous Positivity
You possibly can prepare your self to note and keep away from poisonous positivity the identical means you do different habits. It begins with self-awareness, Kotkin-De Carvalho says.
“Concentrate on your individual ideas and emotions, and take note of the way you talk them.” Being conscious of the phrases you employ — and the way they might be obtained — may help, she says.
That is simpler to do once you’re writing, so begin together with your texts, DMs and emails. Take a deep breath and browse them once more earlier than hitting ship.
Self-reflection may help you notice poisonous ideas, phrases and actions, Hartman says. When you study to acknowledge these pink flags, you possibly can reframe them. Avoiding the “toxpos” rabbit gap means slowing down and taking some “me time,” provides Lacherza-Drew.
“We’re human beings — not every single day or each feeling goes to be good or constructive. Realizing that helps diminish poisonous positivity,” she says.
Mindfulness exercises, journaling, and posting sticky-note reminders the place you’ll see them may also hold you out of the positivity lure.
How are you going to keep away from spreading unwelcome good vibes? Simply pay attention, Kotkin-De Carvalho says.
“Not everybody you encounter requires an answer, and generally it’s greatest to simply be there for them, pay attention, and supply assist.”
Easy methods to Deal With a Toxically Optimistic Particular person
The primary technique to cope with a toxically constructive individual? One phrase: Boundaries. Allow them to know their conduct isn’t cool with you, and do what you possibly can to keep up your individual psychological wellbeing.
Keep in mind you can’t management another person’s conduct — solely your response(s), Lacherza-Drew says. Chances are you’ll must keep away from sure subjects, depart the room, change the topic, or restrict the time you spend with somebody.
Should you’re up for it, “present a delicate reminder that everybody experiences detrimental feelings at instances” suggests Kotkin-De Carvalho. Remind them that robust stuff is regular. “Allow them to know that you simply’re right here for them and that it’s OK to speak about tough subjects with out judgment.”
